mental doodles from my noodles

 

For about 10 years now I've known that I'm diagnosed with depression. Upon going to therapy and receiving psychiatric treatment with the therapy I've come to terms with the fact that this will be a lifelong condition. One of the things that has always helped me cope with my depression, even before I knew that I had it, is writing what I feel. Poetry has always been easier to write in this way but I want to write a description of depression which ought not be read as universal or necessary. I'd prefer to say that it's phenomenological, in its own way. But I want to write it because I know that one of the feelings of depression is feeling like you are alone, and that this is a scary emotion which I've felt -- and as I said I find it therapeutic to write my feelings.  Upon naming it and coming to understand which feelings and behaviors I have that are associated with depression it's not so bad -- it's just the thing that I get to deal with. Most people have...

 

 and then i'm like, fuck you old man how dare you have a point while writing in the worst way possible -- unaesthetically.  YOUR OWN FUCKING THEORY OF AESTHETICS UNDERMINES YOUR MODE OF EXPRESSION MOTHERFUCKER

Lug around the Grundrisse between work and home as an attempt to keep myself motivated enough to do the deep dive I want to do when I have that other kind of motivation. Other than that, what's REALLY keeping me back from that objective is just being happy. Which is a weird feeling, but hey, it's nice.

 Catch up on Harvey's Grundrisse readings to be in a comfortable position. .... yup! scaling down to what's actually accomplishable by lil ol me

 white people house music

 Page 350 of the Grundrisse, still behind. Hoping to catch up next week, since David Harvey's book release was the central theme of next week.  Levinas is still there, I swear. a year ago I assigned this? Sorry -- it was the worst assignment for coming back to philosophy reading, because it really is one of the hardest books I have read. On that front, the Grundrisse has been a good exercise because it's a higher difficulty than Capital V1, but close enough that I don't need to think too too much. I feel the slog at times, but then there's parts where I see some benefits from having read something else from the man. I think I've managed to pare down things to Marx, then Levinas. Go me! :D

 I think I'm a reluctant anarchist in the sense that I wish something other than anarchy would have worked But am an anarchistic because I believe the state won't work. Against the state. Against the nation. For the people. I liked Occupy for the reason that it gave me that experience where people could be people.  We all are just dancing according to whatever nonsense. And anarchy is the way out of that nonsense. If we just choose to see it, and act on it. 

 Semiotics on the back back burner. Marxism on the front burner. Levinas I'm still thinking through.

 they are complaining about not being able to make as much money as they had been making by setting up a sham business that caters to our laziness and upcharging it. fuck those motherfuckers. if they are that concerned with it then they can jump into the meat shredder and increase protein yields

 one of the things about marcus aurelius that's often understated is that he was an emperor of rome. while acknowledged, it's rarely pointed out that if that's the case, he has absolutely no authority or wisdom on matters of ethics.

 sometimes i think to myself: i wish pandas would fuck I will dedicate myself to finding the panda aphrodisiac because surely it will be needed once we tame human desire through medical science just to ensure that our species survives but really i just think the pandas are cute

look if we're going to abolish anything then let's abolish shitting. so much waste.

 Writing this to say I think I've embedded "the wasteland" into the semiotic study project. First semiotic study, at least to an appreciable degree, then touch on an *easier* poem than the wasteland. But, still... the first thing is: Finish T&I. I'm at the part on atheism and the will -- fairly early on, but the first part went so much faster. I was like "yeah yeah, that's it, preach it my man" the whole time, and on the second one (being an atheist 'n all), now that I'm on the second re-read of the section I'm getting bits but it really was like a wall at first. Husserl is higher in my que of potential things as in its in the back of my mind at the moment. then, of course, the big essay I began, but got distracted from -- existential ethics and levinas, or some such thoughts like that.

 don't do philosophy. go do some drugs! then people will be like, "oh yeah, man, I know what that's like, I've been on that drug!" you do some philosophy, though, and you'll just sound like you're ON drugs, and no one will understand you.  and you didn't even get to do some drugs

 no deleuze my mind is already a rhizome ngl, could use a little pruning. becoming-tree!

 mostly to make fun of myself

 during the pandemic white people discovered house music it's a slow iteration, a process which no one understands they turn up the treble. but they dance. will the dance unlock the secrets of humanity? or  will the house music unlock the minds of white people to finally let go of capitalism and embrace the world?